Who I Am

I was born in 1964. Ever since I hit puberty, I've had a traumatic relationship with my body. When I looked down at myself back then, I saw a young man who was far too thin and absolutely not fully developed. I started to feel uncomfortable showing my body in public, not just when changing/bathing with other boys/men, but also simply showing my thin legs and arms – especially in front of girls/women.

This discomfort evolved over time into extreme, spastic, and permanent inner tensions, from which I suffer to this day. These tensions made everything that attracted me also dangerous.

This means, for example, if I felt attracted to a woman, an impenetrable wall of fear arose in my body, and an inner "voice" told/convinced me that I was in no way entitled to feel attracted to a woman! Unfortunately, this fear and these tensions were also activated by all other areas of life that could attract me, such as music.

I have a bit of a musical streak and was involved in various musical contexts in my younger years - in the high school cafeteria, in a theater group, etc. But the mere thought of seeking out other musicians to potentially collaborate in some way was so frightening that I kept my distance.

Around the age of 17, I also noticed an extreme restlessness and fear of introducing myself in a gathering. In high school, I felt this fear to some extent when I had to raise my hand and speak. I usually overcame this, but when the attention was on me, for example, if I had to talk about myself, the fear took over.

The short version is that this fear and these tensions have accompanied me my entire adult life. This means that I have never been close to a relationship with a woman and that I have never realized the resources/abilities that I know I have, despite my self-destructive inner voice.

Over time, I have read thick books on psychology and have gone through countless forms of talk and body therapy without getting closer to the cause of my fear and my body armor. A single visit to a psychiatrist in my youth convinced me of something I had already clearly felt: that medication was not/is not the right way.

I am not psychotic, but neurotic - if one absolutely has to put a label on my condition 😊. I am truly very ashamed of my life story, and the lack of life experience in close relationships makes it impossible for me to build friendships/acquaintances.

I can sense that people notice that I'm not entirely myself. It has never been said to me directly, but I clearly feel a wall of distance from people in general. This means that I live completely alone, without relationships with friends or family and only have social interaction through my work.

A Few Facts About Me

I was born in 1964, live in Denmark, and work in pharmaceutical production. As a person, I am rather shy and introverted. However, I am open when I feel comfortable in a company.

I prefer to think for myself and appreciate people who do the same. I probably think a bit unconventionally; even though I'm a fan of The Beatles and ABBA, I'm not specifically interested in the mainstream.

I have a progressive mindset, meaning I am clearly for development and progress in all areas, politically and with regard to human rights, sexuality, etc. I feel anchored in/connected to the awakening that took place in the '60s, even though, despite everything, I am too young to have experienced it myself.

I don't like habitual thinking and conservatism – although my way of seeing myself points exactly to that! I like contradictions 😊. I speak Danish and English. I understand a little German, but I don't speak it.