My Experience with Tantra Massage
After years of fruitless searching for a therapy/therapist who could help me understand my situation and release my tensions, I wondered if the cause of my problem lies in early childhood and is therefore very physically oriented and cannot be addressed through verbal rationalization or reflection.
This would make a lot of sense in light of the deep longing I retrospectively had for my mother's attention and physical closeness, and also in light of the fact that when I look at my own sexuality today, I see elements of infantilism.
When I feel attracted to a woman today, two levels are activated within me: The one, mature level, longs for a real, deep, and challenging contact with a grown, independently thinking woman my age. Unfortunately, there is also the other level, which in a childish and desperate way longs for physical connection with my mother - again from early childhood. This second level is unfortunately so overwhelming and awakens such uncontrollable feelings in me that I am unable to calmly build a natural and close relationship with a "real" woman in the "real" world.
About 12 years ago, I became aware of tantra massage and thought that was exactly what I had been looking for. A massage where the client had to undress completely and which was associated with intimacy, touch, and sexual emotions - so exactly what my system was screaming for.
I quickly found out that the quality of tantra massage I desired was to be found abroad. In Denmark, the tantra scene (just the word makes me shudder) is very exclusive. A tantra massage here is very expensive (the prices seem to be regulated by the "scene") and very restrictive - at least for men.
So I quickly searched abroad, especially in Germany. Here it was a completely different story. The quality and level of tantra massage in Germany are much higher, and they are much more open and have a more natural and deeper access to sexuality. I have also experienced the same in Switzerland, by the way.
A brief list of some of the places I have visited over the years: Sinntouch (Bad Bentheim), Ayana (Essen), Amakido, Seelenkind (Stuttgart), Betty-MG (Mönchengladbach), Tantrawelten, and Dakini Cologne.
A brief summary of these visits is that most were really good experiences, which, beyond the immediate pleasure, also led to me being able to undress in a changing room today without major problems 😊
What all these tantra massages had in common was that I had spent a lot of time researching the masseuse and her website to make sure she was not "dangerous" to me, i.e., that she was too physically or personally attractive to me. I always chose the masseuse who, I thought, was the "safest" choice. This may sound strange, but I was so traumatized by my previous experiences in life with "real" women that the "safest" solution worked best for me. It protected me from breaking down my shields/body armor.
But, almost as if by fate, I felt a hesitation and distance from her from the first moment I contacted her in writing - as if I were not in her area of interest -, even though she stated that she welcomes clients with any background and also worked as a sexual counselor/assistant for the disabled.
After some back and forth, I actually canceled our appointment 2 days before the massage. I had never canceled an appointment before and could clearly feel that with this particular appointment, more was "at stake", so I was persuaded to show up anyway as agreed.
The meeting with this masseuse was, as expected, much more frightening than a "normal" tantra massage, but the massage itself was of a really high quality - very intense with a lot of body contact and intimate touch - and I could clearly feel that with the meeting with her, I was close to breaking through the wall of defense that I have built up around myself.
My biggest dream in life after this meeting was to challenge my defenses with another meeting - or even better, a real course with several meetings, as a form of therapy - with this woman. But, again as if by fate, there was no opening from this masseuse for another meeting. This was a bitter disappointment for me, but paradoxically also a confirmation that I was on the right track. It was obviously this woman and the very personal and challenging contact with her that my system needed to solve my problems.
I visited her as the third during a holiday in Germany, the other 2 masseuses were really nice and I will visit them again 😊